Do we really know where we belong? A question that has sat in my mind every day for the past month. A long with follow up questions that include "Are you sure you want to be here?" and "Do you honestly think you will ever make it?"
At first I ignored these questions as I went on with my daily life as a starving actress trying to make money by smiling and seating people... a hostess. But the questions keep poking me. Why do I love acting? Why did I choose this life? Do I want to risk spending the rest of my life living off of the idea that one day I will make it? I didn't know how to answer, so I hid. I told myself I was being pathetic and needed to stop worrying, but I couldn't sleep. I couldn't fake anymore smiles and after a long three weeks I broke down to Austin, who responded with "You belong in this industry, ignore what everyone says because they are not you." He talked to me for a long time, and I was able to sleep that night.
Then, two nights later I called my dad as I was walking to my car and he asked me "If you could be anything in the world, what would you be?" I had no idea how to respond. Theres so much I want to be, I cant choose just one. But I did and I said, "I want to be a very successful actor." We talked about my time spent on set, and how happy I was and I realized, I was getting caught up in a fake idea of the industry, I pushed myself away from it. I worked so hard to get here, why would I give up now?
Sometimes people say things and don't mean them, but they still hurt. Years ago someone told me I don't belong behind the camera. I took it personal and gave up on a dream because of it. Recently I was told something similar by someone close to me and it left me with these questions. Sleepless nights, hurtful thoughts, empty wishes, and a desperate need to hide under my covers all day. I know they didn't mean it to be personal, but it hit me hard. It showed me who I need to spend my time with, and made me really want to challenge myself. If I want to be more than one thing in my life, then I will be.